You're born. You live. You die. Your legacy is left as the memories people have of you. You are eternal in their eyes, in their hearts, in their lives, and their laptops.
I have recently lost a few friends at tragically young ages, to different, unexpected circumstances. In all cases technology has played a large role in the grieving process. In one case, I was notified of a dear friends passing by receiving a text message after my plane landed. In another, and several other cases, I was notified on Facebook by a status update reading RIP. I have been invited to memorial pages for friends of mine that I had no idea had died, and it's not that I'm not great friends with them, it's just that they live far away or are important people from my past. It's like logging on to Facebook and in my news feed it reading "You have 1 dead friend."
Now with the onslaught of status updates and profile pictures and virtual communication one has to wonder, what if this tweet is my last?
Your twitter page, your Facebook profile, your Myspace will forever serve as an online memorial of your life and your friends. It will serve as a way for your friends to mourn and grieve and in most cases it will always be there. Many people won't know your passwords, and your Facebook will be a preserved memory of you.
In a way this concept seems eerie to me, this long standing snapshot of your days as a living breathing human, and the realization that you are, in fact, dead. On the other hand I feel that this is a touching and effective way of remembering the past and your friendships. Your Facebook page reminding us all of how alive you were, and how much we all love you, your wall serving as a your guestbook, full of memories and testimonials of your character.
So when you go forth and tweet, ask yourself, what if this tweet were your last? What if these words were the last words we would ever read from you online?
And on that note, Tweet in peace my friends, and may you always be remembered on Facebook.
RIP Thomas, Andrew, Robert, and Alison.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Americano Polish Guinness Regrets.
Enough.
Enough of this sad sob story that some would call my summer.
This is ridiculous. Bad shit happened. I had to get over it. Summers over and I'm over it now.
I'm sitting in my amazing coffee shop in Vancouver, listening to the New Pornographers and drinking my coffee black. I've never had my coffee black before yesterday and that was because i simply forgot to put anything in my amazing Turk's americano. Large. $3.20
Coupled with an Apple Juice. Large. Cold. $1.20. and a cup of Ice cubes that are actually round.
I feel like i have become a coffee snob. One of those people who looks down on people who put shit in their coffee. People who don't know who the New Pornographers are. I already look down on people who use white sugar in their coffee when there's a brown sugar alternative.
What a bitch.
There's a handsome Polish man coding websites sitting next to me and a cloud of Guinness charged regrets hovering over me. Drunkenly went and spoke my mind. Scared the shit out of someone that I care about, and as much as I'd love to go back and make it all not happen, what some might call Regret, I can't really feel regret for having been honest. Drunkenly honest. But honest none the less.
Now i sit. A veritable BOWL of coffee before me. Myriad Harbour in my ears and a cute Polak coding next to me uttering words I sort of understand. Wondering what the heck is going to come at me next. Now that i'm a coffee snob I mean.
~j
Enough of this sad sob story that some would call my summer.
This is ridiculous. Bad shit happened. I had to get over it. Summers over and I'm over it now.
I'm sitting in my amazing coffee shop in Vancouver, listening to the New Pornographers and drinking my coffee black. I've never had my coffee black before yesterday and that was because i simply forgot to put anything in my amazing Turk's americano. Large. $3.20
Coupled with an Apple Juice. Large. Cold. $1.20. and a cup of Ice cubes that are actually round.
I feel like i have become a coffee snob. One of those people who looks down on people who put shit in their coffee. People who don't know who the New Pornographers are. I already look down on people who use white sugar in their coffee when there's a brown sugar alternative.
What a bitch.
There's a handsome Polish man coding websites sitting next to me and a cloud of Guinness charged regrets hovering over me. Drunkenly went and spoke my mind. Scared the shit out of someone that I care about, and as much as I'd love to go back and make it all not happen, what some might call Regret, I can't really feel regret for having been honest. Drunkenly honest. But honest none the less.
Now i sit. A veritable BOWL of coffee before me. Myriad Harbour in my ears and a cute Polak coding next to me uttering words I sort of understand. Wondering what the heck is going to come at me next. Now that i'm a coffee snob I mean.
~j
Monday, June 15, 2009
Spotlight
The swells in the current that runs through my ears make my heart beat faster than normal. It excites me more than anything I’ve heard in my life before. The crescendos crashing into my soul like the rise and fall of my stomach in an elevator. Butterflies. Purple and blue and green.
Two of the sweetest voices I’ve ever heard melting into one perfect harmony, like the lap of water on the shore. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. This amazing rush, this excitement. The sound of pure musical passion on one EP. Three songs is not enough. Three minutes is not enough, three songs is not enough, three days still. My fingers ache to play such beauty, my voice cries out to sing these notes, but I hesitate. No voice could be as sweet as these three. The music flows so perfectly and seamlessly and suddenly I want muffins. Coffee shop comfort and cowboy boots. Floral dresses spinning madly in circles, silhouettes and dynamic melodies.
I wish I could write like this. I wish I could pick up my guitar and just play the most amazing music. The music my heart belts out every moment of every day. It’s the song that lives in my soul, writhes in my belly and keeps me tossing and turning in perfect rhythm with your bass lines. This is the soundtrack to my life, to my accomplishments, to my failures. My love song, my breakup song, my song in the key of G. These are the songs I hear on the streets where I live, the streets where I grew up and the streets I haven’t walked yet. Driving songs, driving me forward into the unknown. And always with you singing with me.
It’s always been this way. Always. I heard the music in my mother’s womb, I kicked out rhythms to find a way to speak to the world. Tell them the stories of my existence. Twenty-one short years later, the stories still long to be told, memories I haven’t had yet call out in my mind.
The currents swell in my ears. My heart beats faster and I’m excited because this music in my ears, the sweetest voices, the crescendos, is what I’ve been looking for. It’s the beginning of something great, something that will pull me through.
And yet, it is not mine.
Two of the sweetest voices I’ve ever heard melting into one perfect harmony, like the lap of water on the shore. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. This amazing rush, this excitement. The sound of pure musical passion on one EP. Three songs is not enough. Three minutes is not enough, three songs is not enough, three days still. My fingers ache to play such beauty, my voice cries out to sing these notes, but I hesitate. No voice could be as sweet as these three. The music flows so perfectly and seamlessly and suddenly I want muffins. Coffee shop comfort and cowboy boots. Floral dresses spinning madly in circles, silhouettes and dynamic melodies.
I wish I could write like this. I wish I could pick up my guitar and just play the most amazing music. The music my heart belts out every moment of every day. It’s the song that lives in my soul, writhes in my belly and keeps me tossing and turning in perfect rhythm with your bass lines. This is the soundtrack to my life, to my accomplishments, to my failures. My love song, my breakup song, my song in the key of G. These are the songs I hear on the streets where I live, the streets where I grew up and the streets I haven’t walked yet. Driving songs, driving me forward into the unknown. And always with you singing with me.
It’s always been this way. Always. I heard the music in my mother’s womb, I kicked out rhythms to find a way to speak to the world. Tell them the stories of my existence. Twenty-one short years later, the stories still long to be told, memories I haven’t had yet call out in my mind.
The currents swell in my ears. My heart beats faster and I’m excited because this music in my ears, the sweetest voices, the crescendos, is what I’ve been looking for. It’s the beginning of something great, something that will pull me through.
And yet, it is not mine.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
From The Mouths Of Babes.
For someone who is so cynical about government I would have to question why one would run for office.
Involvement in politics with such cynicism should be taken with great caution; to think that someone who has such little faith in "government" as a whole entity, should get involved in the first place is highly improvident. Government as a whole should not be doubted. Our government is what gives us our daily luxuries which we revel in exploiting and most of us blindly take for granted. Our government allows us to have a voice in the way our country is run and allows us freedoms that many people have killed and died for.
If one chooses to represent oneself by sarcastic and mordant comments about an system you have no faith in, perhaps one should think twice about participating in the electoral process, let alone having a hand in campaigning and running for office.
If the issue at hand is the current administration, one should be more specific in one's public condemnation of the authority that grants us our liberties. I wonder what a woman who is sentenced to public stoning would think of such a cavalier attitude towards a system that dictates a fair justice system and equal rights; but then again it could be pretty easy overlook such vital errors in corrupt authoritative systems as a North American white male.
To love, and choose, and create and exist, without fear. To decide and vote and matter. To be provided for and taken care of. To have health care, and fair justice, and security, and financial assistance. These are things our government provides for us and these things should not be mocked.
As a politician, you are tied to a system that one would hope you have faith in. A lot of faith in. Again, if the problem is with the current administration, and your aim is to endeavour to change it, then be specific in your revilement and be prudent in your public depictions.
Sarcasm and sardonicism are all well and good, and while I understand that one wants to be portrayed as witty and educated, slighting a system you are actively involved in only makes you appear foolish, imprudent, and irresponsible. Exactly like "the government" in your comments that you freely broadcast and circulate to the public.
Perhaps you are well suited for politics after all.
Involvement in politics with such cynicism should be taken with great caution; to think that someone who has such little faith in "government" as a whole entity, should get involved in the first place is highly improvident. Government as a whole should not be doubted. Our government is what gives us our daily luxuries which we revel in exploiting and most of us blindly take for granted. Our government allows us to have a voice in the way our country is run and allows us freedoms that many people have killed and died for.
If one chooses to represent oneself by sarcastic and mordant comments about an system you have no faith in, perhaps one should think twice about participating in the electoral process, let alone having a hand in campaigning and running for office.
If the issue at hand is the current administration, one should be more specific in one's public condemnation of the authority that grants us our liberties. I wonder what a woman who is sentenced to public stoning would think of such a cavalier attitude towards a system that dictates a fair justice system and equal rights; but then again it could be pretty easy overlook such vital errors in corrupt authoritative systems as a North American white male.
To love, and choose, and create and exist, without fear. To decide and vote and matter. To be provided for and taken care of. To have health care, and fair justice, and security, and financial assistance. These are things our government provides for us and these things should not be mocked.
As a politician, you are tied to a system that one would hope you have faith in. A lot of faith in. Again, if the problem is with the current administration, and your aim is to endeavour to change it, then be specific in your revilement and be prudent in your public depictions.
Sarcasm and sardonicism are all well and good, and while I understand that one wants to be portrayed as witty and educated, slighting a system you are actively involved in only makes you appear foolish, imprudent, and irresponsible. Exactly like "the government" in your comments that you freely broadcast and circulate to the public.
Perhaps you are well suited for politics after all.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
White Folding Chairs
n white folding chairs, we begin.
Parents pace, and wonder.
In chairs made of metal and plastic.
In folding chairs that hurt our backs
We grow, we see, we learn
In chairs that define our place
In white folding chairs we succeed
Mentors celebrate and rejoice
The chairs that lead to our future
In chairs with arms and deadlines
We work and prioritize our lives
Chairs that demand of our time
With White folding chairs, we dance
And bind our two young souls
The chairs that waltz around us
In chairs of Oak, we plead
We bargain from every angle
The chairs that we don’t own
In white folding chairs, we wait
I pace, and I wonder
About the chairs that you grace.
In chairs of Leather and hair
We reflect upon the years
Chairs that will embrace us
In white folding chairs, I watch,
The tears soak my lashes
The chairs that take you away
White folding chairs.
Parents pace, and wonder.
In chairs made of metal and plastic.
In folding chairs that hurt our backs
We grow, we see, we learn
In chairs that define our place
In white folding chairs we succeed
Mentors celebrate and rejoice
The chairs that lead to our future
In chairs with arms and deadlines
We work and prioritize our lives
Chairs that demand of our time
With White folding chairs, we dance
And bind our two young souls
The chairs that waltz around us
In chairs of Oak, we plead
We bargain from every angle
The chairs that we don’t own
In white folding chairs, we wait
I pace, and I wonder
About the chairs that you grace.
In chairs of Leather and hair
We reflect upon the years
Chairs that will embrace us
In white folding chairs, I watch,
The tears soak my lashes
The chairs that take you away
White folding chairs.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
24 hours with Corys and how it changed how I'm living life today
Today I woke up and I decided to eat my breakfast while watching the Pilot episode of a new Fox Television show called Glee. It's set in a typical Ohio high school filled with stereotypical jocks, cheerleaders, geeks, and of course, the glee club. Normally I would pass on a show like this, but it happens to star a local boy who I've worked with in the past and who's story to get on the show is an inspiring one for a somewhat defeated actor wannabe like myself.
http://www.theprovince.com/entertainment/Looking+back+life+with+Glee/1694530/story.html
Here's the kicker. The show is good, and I am such a sucker for a really good musical number. Which they do fantastically. They sing songs that you know, that I as a musical geek know, that have had radio play and that have been musical theatre classics.
Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I woke up, and checked my Facebook, read the province story on Cory, and went for breakfast with my friend Dave who is a VFS grad like myself. We talked about his classes he's taking now, and auditioning and Cory, and the like, and then I went to the beach with my other friend (who coincidentally is also named Cory). This Cory is someone who is straight forward, adventurous, optimistic and a great person to be around. We started talking about my acting, and how I haven't really done anything about it. How I'm a singer, but haven't really done anything about it. He asked me what I need to get it going, and I lamented somewhat hopelessly that I need headshots that don't suck, and a reel that is decent enough to get an agent with, and how I could be really good if I actually tried.
I recalled telling a friend of my cousins, Dan, about acting as well, and how I have wanted to do it my whole life and he said I'd be good at it, he could see it. I told him I was scared. It's much easier for me to not try at something and say I could have than it is for me to try it and fail at something that has meant so much to me my whole life. It's the same for music.
This is my crutch, my fear that I share with so many people in the world. It keeps them in their offices and on the sidelines ignoring what truly drives them. I claim not to be one of these people, and I know that I can do better than where I am at now. I just need to conquer this fear.
So yesterday, when I was driving with Cory, all I could think about was why do I keep lying to myself and why do I keep sitting on the sidelines when every inch of my body screams to do something else. Cory has lived this amazing life (he might not think so, but I do) with stories that make me want to jump on a sailboat and get caught in a storm, or jump on a stage and tell a story with my voice, my body. There is never a moment in my life when I have been happier, and still I sit on the sidelines. Watching everyone else.
Actor Cory, was amazing in the show I watched this morning. A success story that hits close to home and makes me say "Hey, I can do that!" and not only makes me want to fight this fear and get out there acting. It makes me want to start singing again.
So today, I picked up my Bass, played a few riffs. Got a new song, started singing again, really singing, not just fucking around. I cleaned up my resume, dug up my acting reels, and I am going to do whatever it takes to make this dream come true. Who says I can't have more that one dream, who says I can't do both.
24 hours later. After reading a shoddily written article about a Cory who did everything he could. After being inspired by a Cory who takes life full on, and after seeing the results of perseverance and confidence this morning. I have decided to start living my life for my dreams that I have pushed aside, and have decided not to live in the fear of my own failure.
Even if the storm comes and I lose my boat in the Atlantic, what a ride it will have been.
http://www.theprovince.com/entertainment/Looking+back+life+with+Glee/1694530/story.html
Here's the kicker. The show is good, and I am such a sucker for a really good musical number. Which they do fantastically. They sing songs that you know, that I as a musical geek know, that have had radio play and that have been musical theatre classics.
Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I woke up, and checked my Facebook, read the province story on Cory, and went for breakfast with my friend Dave who is a VFS grad like myself. We talked about his classes he's taking now, and auditioning and Cory, and the like, and then I went to the beach with my other friend (who coincidentally is also named Cory). This Cory is someone who is straight forward, adventurous, optimistic and a great person to be around. We started talking about my acting, and how I haven't really done anything about it. How I'm a singer, but haven't really done anything about it. He asked me what I need to get it going, and I lamented somewhat hopelessly that I need headshots that don't suck, and a reel that is decent enough to get an agent with, and how I could be really good if I actually tried.
I recalled telling a friend of my cousins, Dan, about acting as well, and how I have wanted to do it my whole life and he said I'd be good at it, he could see it. I told him I was scared. It's much easier for me to not try at something and say I could have than it is for me to try it and fail at something that has meant so much to me my whole life. It's the same for music.
This is my crutch, my fear that I share with so many people in the world. It keeps them in their offices and on the sidelines ignoring what truly drives them. I claim not to be one of these people, and I know that I can do better than where I am at now. I just need to conquer this fear.
So yesterday, when I was driving with Cory, all I could think about was why do I keep lying to myself and why do I keep sitting on the sidelines when every inch of my body screams to do something else. Cory has lived this amazing life (he might not think so, but I do) with stories that make me want to jump on a sailboat and get caught in a storm, or jump on a stage and tell a story with my voice, my body. There is never a moment in my life when I have been happier, and still I sit on the sidelines. Watching everyone else.
Actor Cory, was amazing in the show I watched this morning. A success story that hits close to home and makes me say "Hey, I can do that!" and not only makes me want to fight this fear and get out there acting. It makes me want to start singing again.
So today, I picked up my Bass, played a few riffs. Got a new song, started singing again, really singing, not just fucking around. I cleaned up my resume, dug up my acting reels, and I am going to do whatever it takes to make this dream come true. Who says I can't have more that one dream, who says I can't do both.
24 hours later. After reading a shoddily written article about a Cory who did everything he could. After being inspired by a Cory who takes life full on, and after seeing the results of perseverance and confidence this morning. I have decided to start living my life for my dreams that I have pushed aside, and have decided not to live in the fear of my own failure.
Even if the storm comes and I lose my boat in the Atlantic, what a ride it will have been.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Anniversary
It's been a year since graduation.
I wonder, am I anywhere close to where I thought I'd be by now?
Last year, I would have anticipated having one agent, one less tattoo, three less heartaches, one more boyfriend, two less plane tickets, three more acting gigs, one less tour, one less global exploration, three more credits, six more friends, two less losses, a million less doubts.
22 looms. No longer can I re-invent the definition of "Student" and get away with it. Student of the world, yes. Student of life, Always. Student of an institution, not so much.
I feel old in my skin. I feel ancient. Time passes so slowly, and yet, in an instant we have become unrecognizable. The weight hangs differently, the skin is not so pure. Time takes it's toll, even on those of us who are young. I feel it every day.
I feel the rain in my knee, and thunder in my heart. I cannot keep track of all my dreams. They don't die, they just change, and come back twice as strong.
Those who time has become more acquainted feel my age, but doubt it by it's number. Those who are naive, doubt me.
Spring time ambition paints a rosy picture for the future to come. A poor choice on my part. Why did I choose a time of year when life would be starting anew and sun would re-appear, to mark my progress in life.
Where am I supposed to be? I suppose just where I am.
What would the 13 year old version of me think? Would I look at myself and say "wow, I can't wait to meet that girl!" or would I run and hide under my bed, and pretend the world doesn't turn.
I want to be the person I would look up to, and I wouldn't regret.
Regrets are a waste of energy anyhow. They give excuses to the choices we've made. They allow us to pass on our guilt, and shame of ill favoured choices.
Today is just another day to mark my time.
Happy Anniversary
I wonder, am I anywhere close to where I thought I'd be by now?
Last year, I would have anticipated having one agent, one less tattoo, three less heartaches, one more boyfriend, two less plane tickets, three more acting gigs, one less tour, one less global exploration, three more credits, six more friends, two less losses, a million less doubts.
22 looms. No longer can I re-invent the definition of "Student" and get away with it. Student of the world, yes. Student of life, Always. Student of an institution, not so much.
I feel old in my skin. I feel ancient. Time passes so slowly, and yet, in an instant we have become unrecognizable. The weight hangs differently, the skin is not so pure. Time takes it's toll, even on those of us who are young. I feel it every day.
I feel the rain in my knee, and thunder in my heart. I cannot keep track of all my dreams. They don't die, they just change, and come back twice as strong.
Those who time has become more acquainted feel my age, but doubt it by it's number. Those who are naive, doubt me.
Spring time ambition paints a rosy picture for the future to come. A poor choice on my part. Why did I choose a time of year when life would be starting anew and sun would re-appear, to mark my progress in life.
Where am I supposed to be? I suppose just where I am.
What would the 13 year old version of me think? Would I look at myself and say "wow, I can't wait to meet that girl!" or would I run and hide under my bed, and pretend the world doesn't turn.
I want to be the person I would look up to, and I wouldn't regret.
Regrets are a waste of energy anyhow. They give excuses to the choices we've made. They allow us to pass on our guilt, and shame of ill favoured choices.
Today is just another day to mark my time.
Happy Anniversary
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