Anniversary

It's been a year since graduation.

I wonder, am I anywhere close to where I thought I'd be by now?

Last year, I would have anticipated having one agent, one less tattoo, three less heartaches, one more boyfriend, two less plane tickets, three more acting gigs, one less tour, one less global exploration, three more credits, six more friends, two less losses, a million less doubts.

22 looms. No longer can I re-invent the definition of "Student" and get away with it. Student of the world, yes. Student of life, Always. Student of an institution, not so much.

I feel old in my skin. I feel ancient. Time passes so slowly, and yet, in an instant we have become unrecognizable. The weight hangs differently, the skin is not so pure. Time takes it's toll, even on those of us who are young. I feel it every day.

I feel the rain in my knee, and thunder in my heart. I cannot keep track of all my dreams. They don't die, they just change, and come back twice as strong.

Those who time has become more acquainted feel my age, but doubt it by it's number. Those who are naive, doubt me.

Spring time ambition paints a rosy picture for the future to come. A poor choice on my part. Why did I choose a time of year when life would be starting anew and sun would re-appear, to mark my progress in life.

Where am I supposed to be? I suppose just where I am.

What would the 13 year old version of me think? Would I look at myself and say "wow, I can't wait to meet that girl!" or would I run and hide under my bed, and pretend the world doesn't turn.

I want to be the person I would look up to, and I wouldn't regret.

Regrets are a waste of energy anyhow. They give excuses to the choices we've made. They allow us to pass on our guilt, and shame of ill favoured choices.

Today is just another day to mark my time.

Happy Anniversary

I've always been afraid of jinxing things. I've always wished on stars. Every day at 11:11 i stop and silently utter the same wish i've had since i was six. I've fallen victim to fate. I've seen ghosts. I've had dreams turn into reality. I've been called crazy. I've been called worse. I've knocked on wood. I've crossed my heart. I've pinky sworn. I've actually sworn. Several times. In a church. I've asked god for help. I've asked the universe too. I named my guitar. I named your car. I've spoken without words. I've used my mind to move things. I've taken solace in the moon. I've taken the soul of the sun. I've prayed. I've jumped sidewalk blocks to not step on the cracks. I've held my breath over railroad tracks. I've never run from a black cat. I've opened umbrellas indoors. I've jumped in elevators. I've screamed on rollercoasters. I've cried in carwashes. I have carefully compiled the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my heartbreak. The soundtrack to my memories. Never to my death. I've woken up without you. I've woken up miles away from you on the same bed. I've woken up crying. You woke up laughing. Singing. I've always loved breathing in the cold. Lungs shrinking. Hurting. I love running in the dark. I love making eye contact. I love touch. I hopscotch to the bus stop. I'm terrible at bowling. I'm terrible at tennis. I'm terrible at skateboarding. I'm terrible at saying what i need to say. I'm great at saying what i want to say. I break easily. I am resiliant. I'm shy. I hate being alone. I don't smile enough. I cry too much. It's not always bad. I watch people. I watch trees. I see things no one else does. I make up stories. I am a great liar. I am incredibly truthful. I am blunt. Razor Sharp. I have too much ambition. Pro-action. I'm scared of dying. Scared of loving. Scared of living. I love living. I love feeling. I am scared no one will see me. I'm scared they won't get me. I'm terrified of being buried alive. I'm anxious to make my life happen. I love basking in the warmth of the spring sun. I love the torrential rain in Texas. I love hugging. I don't like sex. I don't like bacon. Beef. I love chicken wings. They don't like me. I want sunsets. No sunrises. I want candy everyday. Gummies. Wurmies. I want ice cream kisses. I want snowflakes on my eyelashes. I want arms to fall into. I want brownstone walk ups, with fire escapes. I want New York winters, California summers. I want to live like the songs you play. I want to be your Judy Garland. Your Maria. Your kitten with yellow hair. I want every morning to be excitement and every night contentment. I've sung you to sleep. Sung your praises. Sung to you so you won't hear. I need piano solos. Key changes. Sly smiles make my heart race. Pompadours too. Combs in the back pocket. Girls with cute haircuts and pretty eyes. Boys with tattoos.

I'm terrified. I've wished. I'm crazy. I want. I'm anxious. I love. I need. I'm scared. I'm terrible. I've seen. I've sung. I've cried. I'm afraid.

I'm jus.