I, Jus Alexandra Percy, am in no way a fashonista. I am in no way up on the latest trends and am of the t-shirt and jeans school of thought. I get excited when I find a new hoody, I relish in the thought of a new skate shoe, and yes, I wear white after labour day. I have immense trouble walking in high heels, I do not possess the patience for clutches and small hand bags and every attempt at shaving my legs ends like a Brian De Palma film.
Lately though, I’d have to say that my style radar has been piqued. Out of nowhere it seems I have become exceedingly aware of a several trends. Not because they are so fabulous that I am forced to gaze in awe and amazement, quite the contrary. A few of these so called styles have me wondering what the hell we’re thinking and as the summer months are approaching and we are no longer in need of thick, warm layers one in particular has got me gagging.
It was 3 AM and I was just coming out of my club where I work. Several hours on my feet, dealing with drunken dance club types, and having had my ass fondled several times by strangers had left me exhausted and cranky. Stumbling down the block, in search of sustenance from the late night pizza joint, I was accosted by what I was sure was a character from The Jersey Shore. Dressed in a fake tan, big hair, tiny bolero-style, acid wash denim vest, silicone tits and leggings, this monstrosity had her lady-bits on show for the world to see.
Now there are many things wrong with what Snookie The Second was wearing, but none more so than the leggings. I am an 80’s child, my sister Renee grew up in the 80’s while I was merely born in the decade. As a result I got a lot of her 80’s era hand me downs, slouchy sweaters, scrunchies and matching legging and sweater sets, legwarmers included. I wore leggings several times a week in the early 90s, neon green with stars, purple zebra stripes, hot pink leopard print, mind you I was five years old, the sweaters that matched usually hung down long enough to cover my behind, and the leggings were thick enough and large enough to not shock my teachers and friend’s parents.
Thankfully trends have evolved and side ponies, shoulder pads, crop tops and scrunchies are a thing of the past. Apparently, we haven’t seen the last of the legging, and we shouldn’t, a very handy and useful accoutrement that allows skirt wearing in cold weather, flexibility on dance stages and yoga classes, and a great layer technique for all styles of attire. One thing leggings are not is pants. I repeat, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS, ladies. They are a step up from tights, a step or two down from skinny jeans; they are not to be used as the only thing to wear on your lower half!
The Snookie clone spotted the other night was not the sole offender; I’ve seen this become a tendency amongst many, much more refined, and smarter ladies in my crowd. Ones who have demonstrated modesty and class in the past have now started to show us their entire world. Leggings now are thinner, and tighter than they were when I was a child, this might have something to do with the post-puberty addition of hips and bums to our anatomy and the baffling popularity of American Apparel, but in the last 2 weeks I have seen more camel toe than the Sahara and bums seem hungrier than an anorexic. Ladies, we must say “No” to camel toe.
It’s okay ladies, if you are an offender, hope is not lost, we can rebuild you, make you classier, and more modest, fitter, stronger and with less hungry bum and no camel toe.
It’s easy, cover that shit up. Options include, but are not limited to: skirts, dresses, long shirts, wide scarves, superhero underwear and fig leaves. Perhaps consider buying leggings a size up, yes they’re stretchy, but they do come in sizes. Purchase leggings that have a crotch seam that cuts around your lady bits so you don’t get the front wedgie, which really can’t be comfortable, it’s certainly not comfortable as a third party witness.
Now men, I understand sometimes you have urges, a funny feeling “Down There” when you see members of the opposite sex. These urges are perfectly normal, it’s ok to feel your pants shrinking now and again, and suddenly have to think of the guests at your grandma’s 80th birthday party to maintain composure. It is not okay, however, to have this feeling triggered by the front wedgie classlessness of the camel toe female. Ladies like it when they can arouse men, and they continue to exert behavior to incite said reaction, and some don’t understand the allure of an air of mystique. You have a responsibility here too, you must say “No” to camel toe. You must never let it be known that hungry bum and a camel toe are “hot”. These feelings are meant for the privacy of your home and not for the streets of Vancouver, unless you’re on Seymour at 4AM.
Please. We all have a responsibility here; do your part, you must SAY “NO” TO CAMEL TOE.
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